Past Hate, Future Hope
by The-Despondent-Insomniac
Summary: Zuko hates his new life in the fire nation, he hates life without Katara. Katara tries to hate Zuko for what he did but that doesnt stop her wishing for him in her dreams. will past hate hinder future hope or will there be a happy ending -Zutara.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own anything. This story is not my normal stuff as I'm not really into watching cartoons but an afternoon of babysitting my little brother and being forced to watch Avatar episodes appears to have had an effect because now i have ideas for stories about it and can't sleep without writing them down, as its 3:15 in the morning I've decided to just go with it and get it out of my system because even a crazy partial insomniac like me needs sleep sometime

This story begins at what I'm told is the end of season2 and continues into season 3. Forgive me if you have no idea what Avatar is, i didn't either until this afternoon but now I'm pretty sure I've seen every goddamn episode ever made- i blame my brother for this extraordinarily irritating creative burst and as I'm pretty sure i still know very little about Avatar feel free to correct any mistakes i make with names and such thanks people. Reviews are always welcome and please continue to put up with my crazy creative urges and random stories as I'm sure there'll be plenty more of them lol

**Chapter 1**

_Cool fingers dripping with dewy liquid reached up to caress his cheek and trace his scar, he flinched as she touched the ridged skin but didn't pull away; he liked her touch too much and couldn't bear to offend the first person to ever look past his scarred face enough to see the real him. Not his carefully constructed facade of haughty, distaining prince full of anger at the world but that of a troubled, frightened young man trying desperately to please and be what others wanted of him, she saw the pain in his eyes, the bitterness of forever being a failure to the one parent he had left but most of all she saw the gentleness that lay behind it all and the young idealist boy he had once been- the one who had defied his father's command to defend a nameless group of soldiers and been punished because of it. Her fingers continued to gently stroke his face even after the liquid had been absorbed into his skin and slowly moved down until she was cupping his jaw. He inhaled sharply as her fingers unconsciously curled around his neck while her eyes continued their scrutiny of him, searching his face for something. He didn't know what but as her eyes travelled back to his and connected he no longer cared- how could he when all rational thought has been chased from his head at the sound of the heavenly gasp which had escaped her lips as he has tentatively reached out and touched her arm, the same lips which were now moving oh so slowly towards his..._

"_You traitor" her voice screamed at him, the look in her eyes one of pure, agonising pain. The hurt in them cutting through him like a knife, the fire in his hands flickered slightly and began to dim. "Zuko" Azula's voice screeched. The fire in his hands surged again, the thought of his father's love too tempting to turn away from. Looking back once more at the beautiful water bender before him he sent a silent apology to her, begging her not to hate him. Eyes hardening she glared furiously at him while a single tear fell down her cheek, she understood only too well. And she pitied him for it. Whipping the tear from her face and melding it with the huge surge of water she summoned, she forced him across the cavern and crushed him against the back wall, pinning him there as she froze the water around him and looking sadly at him once more turned away and rejoining the battle against Azula _

"Katara!" Zuko sat up in his bed panting, he had dreamed about her again. Zuko felt the guilt wash over him as it did every time he pictured her face looking at him with those pain filled eyes. Coming back to the fire nation had not been anything like he had hoped, his father still despised him, Azula 

was as hateful as ever, uncle wouldn't speak to him anymore and every night in his dreams Katara haunted him, making him hate himself for the chance he had turned down; the chance to choose the right side, to fight alongside the avatar. The chance to be with her.

Instead; he had chosen Azula, chosen the wrong side and chosen to believe her false promises of love and honour when all he had received was harshness, hate and disdain.

Zuko hated every minute of his life here- at least when he had been an outcast he had been himself and he had had uncle, now he had no one.

At that moment Zuko hated the fire nation with every fibre of his being. He hated his father, he hated Azula but most of all. He hated himself.

Thousands of miles away on a stolen fire nation boat Katara tossed and turned in her sleep, remembering searching pain filled brown eyes which looked straight into her soul and begged for understanding, gentle, callused hands softly stroking her arms, perfectly shaped thin lips reaching for her own. Fire surging from his body; erupting around him in a beautiful, terrible display as he whipped towards Aang and her voice was ripped from her in an agonized screech "you traitor!"

"Zuko" Katara whimpered quietly in her sleep as tears slipped from beneath her closed eyelids and landed in the pillow beneath her while her hand tightly clutched a small photograph of a young boy and his mother dressed in fire nation clothes robes.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own avatar or anything to do with it, blame my brother for me even writing this if it's no good, if its good though you can thank me in the form of reviews lol, anyway here's the next bit of the story people, hope you like it.

Hakkoda watched his daughter sadly as she stormed around the deck of the ship, he knew she cried herself to sleep each night and then walked around like a rhino-bull with a headache the next day, he only wished he knew why or what he could do to help but every time he went near her, Katara would storm off or speak to him in a voice so cold he sometimes thought the ice from her water bending had infused her voice: this was not the daughter he remembered, his little girl had been adventurous and easily excited by the smallest thing, she had smiled constantly- even after her mother's death- and found enjoyment in the simplest act of water-bending. This girl was a mere shell; she was easily angered, had an almost constant expression of pain in her eyes and could bend water with the art of a master but gained no enjoyment from it.

As he checked around the ship, Hakkoda continued to watch Katara and study the differences in her from the playful child he had known two years ago with this war hardened young woman. When he next glanced up he was surprised by the look of utter devastation that had suddenly crossed her face when Aang walked up to her and mentioned something while laughing and motioning to the ship. Watching Katara suddenly flee from the deck with tears visible in her eyes Hakkoda decided it was time to do something, he didn't care if she screamed at him; spoke to him so coldly he turned into a snowman or just ignored him for the rest of her life, he would find out what was wrong with her and punish whoever it was that had caused her misery.

So lost was he in his thoughts of what was troubling Katara, Hakkoda didn't notice Aang by his side until the boy spoke

"Do you think she'll be ok chief Hakkoda? I've never seen Katara like this before."

Glancing down at the young avatar Hakkoda's frown deepened as he asked

"What do you mean Aang? Sokka claims she's been like this for months"

"No, not really" Aang replied with his own small frown "i mean yeah, she was a bit cranky on the way to Ba Sing Se but that's just Katara, it's what she does when she's tired or scared, but nothing like this. I was out cold for a few weeks but even if Katara was really worried about me, she wouldn't have been acting like this- it's like she's a different person. Ever since the siege at Ba Sing Se. I've noticed it a lot, i mean I've been awake for a week now, and today was the first time she has even tried to properly talk to me and then as soon as i mention the fire nation she runs away!"

Hakkoda stood and listened to the young monk before him, his concern for his daughter growing with every word the avatar spoke. It made no sense, what had happened in Ba Sing Se that had been so terrible Katara could not overcome it- Sokka and Aang seemed fine, to them it was a horrible defeat, a harsh check on reality but Katara seemed as though her world had been destroyed. - She wasn't even earth nation but she appeared to grieve the city more than any earth bender. - Excusing himself from Aang and promising to talk some more later Hakkoda set off towards Katara's room- 

there was only one person who could answer his questions concerning his daughters mood swings. And that person was Katara.

As the water nation chief reached his daughters room he could hear slight sobbing and Katara's voice coming from within.

Katara was lying on her bed still sobbing slightly and clutching tightly to the picture of Zuko and his mother, he had given it to her to look at in the caves, he had never meant for her to have it permanently however Aang and Iroh had burst in to _rescue_ them and she hadn't been able to give it back. Katara wasn't sure whether she was grateful for that or not, she spent her nights alternately cursing and thanking her fate for letting her have that small piece of _him, _even if it hurt so much she always ended up crying long into the night or until she fell asleep from exhaustion .

"God Zuko, why did you have to do this to me?" she whispered to the photograph while tracing the young boys face with a fingertip, "why can't i just hate you?, it would be so much simpler then. Why did you have to make me..." giving a shaky sob and closing her eyes tightly to ward off the wonderful/horrible images which always surfaced every time she thought of _him_ Katara sat up straighter on her bed and began talking to the picture again in a slightly stronger voice even as tears continued to make their way down her cheeks.

"It's not fair Zuko, what you're doing to me isn't fair. You made your choice; you chose the fire nation, chose your father and Azula. You chose to hurt me- to leave me. I know all of that.

So why do you keep doing this? Why do you keep hurting me? _Why do i let you?!_

Zuko...

Why can't i stop loving you?"

Katara was sobbing again by the time she asked her final question to the silent picture. Of course she already knew why she couldn't stop loving Zuko; Because she understood why he had done it. She had seen the silent pleading for forgiveness in his eyes as she pinned him to the wall of the throne room in Ba Sing Se, seen the longing to be loved by his father, the desperate need for acceptance.

She understood.

And because of that she couldn't hate Zuko, couldn't find it in herself to stop loving him and so night after night she talked to a decade old picture and cried herself to sleep. - Only to dream of a scarred/ beautiful face, burning golden brown eyes and loving lips upon her own. Then to awake in the mornings with same deadened feeling in her stomach, the feeling of unnatural emptiness inside her. As though most of her was missing. The same thing that she had been feeling since She, Sokka and an unconscious Aang had fled Ba Sing Se over a month ago.

Hakkoda listened in shock as his daughters voice floated through a crack in the doorway and into his disbelieving ears. Katara was in love with a fire bender. The same fire bender who had been trying to kill her for the past two years. Prince Zuko! Feeling suddenly sick Hakkoda quickly retreated to his own cabin to think about the sobbed words he had just heard from his daughter's mouth.

_You chose to leave me_

The words suddenly pushed to the front of the water chief's mind even among the hundreds of other jumbled thoughts fighting for space. Had Katara had some sort of _relationship_ with the fire nation prince? The very thought made Hakkoda feel distinctly sick and he quickly tried to push the thought away but to no avail.

He stayed in his room for the rest of the night, refusing to see any of his men, even Sokka was turned away when he came knocking as the boys farther was too troubled to see even his son. By the time morning came he had still not managed to achieve any peace of mind and wondered idly how he was supposed to face his daughter with the knowledge he now had of her and the fire nation traitor. Forcing it to the back of his mind as he headed towards the deck and decided to find out what Sokka and Aang knew of the relationship between the two- discreetly of course- before he did anything else.

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Zuko was miserable; he had attempted to talk to uncle again today but to no avail. The old man was either purposefully ignoring him or had actually gone as mad as the guards claimed.-he highly doubted it was the latter- To make it worse Azula had caught him coming from the dungeons and immediately set about taunting him before stalking away to rat him out to her father, Zuko knew he would be punished- again- for once more visiting the ex-war lord after his father had demanded he stop.

Zuko had once missed this life. When he was travelling with uncle it was all he could think about; how he missed his bed, his royal clothes, the good food, his people, his land, his father- the last built more on a dream of a father he wanted than the actual one he had. - His whole existence had revolved around getting back to this hell which he had once thought so perfect.

Now; he cursed his stupidity every day for those juvenile thoughts and would happily have given up his life to be allowed to spend just a month back in the drab existence he had shared with uncle, on the ship, the road or in Ba Sing Se, any of those had been far better than his current way of life even if they had had to beg for food or work like servants just to eat for another day.

What Zuko hated the most about his life however was the fact that every night in his sleep he would dream of Katara and awake with guilt burning hotly in his stomach. He couldn't get her out of his head no matter what he did, he had attempted to distract himself with Mai's company but every time she kissed him he was reminded how unlike Katara she was. Every time she **didn't** show any emotion he thought of how **full **of emotion Katara was; When she was angry she raged, when she was sad she cried, when she was worried she barked orders and tried to organise everything so it was perfect, when she was happy she laughed and danced. Mai did none of those things so he quickly gave up on her as a distraction because it seemed instead of distracting him from the water nation girl she made him think of her even more.

Zuko had taken to staying awake all night and day until he simply collapsed of exhaustion because that way he didn't dream of her beautiful eyes filling with tears as she pinned him to the wall, didn't picture them flaming stronger than any fire benders hands as she screamed at him for betraying her.

The images he most wanted to avoid seeing however were the ones he loved the most. The ones of Katara curled up happily against his side on the floor of the caves. Smiling sleepily up at him as he told her the story of his ancestor Kuzon, whom the avatar had been good friends with when he still lived at the air temple. Katara laughing lightly as he told her of a prank he had pulled when he was younger and snuggling more securely into him when he reached down and softly brushed his lips across her hair.

Katara reaching up and pulling his head slowly down to her own for a gentle but passionate kiss while she wound her arms around his neck, holding him more securely to her as she smiled against his mouth and lazily slipped her tongue between his willing lips. Him casually allowing his hands to slide over her stomach and around to her sides slowly travelling upwards. Him laughing against her mouth when she moaned slightly at his touch but having it quickly turn to a gasp as she suddenly flipped him onto his back and rolled onto him while grinning down at him devilishly before attacking his mouth with her own again and letting her hands rove freely over his war hardened body.

The same images he tried so hard to avoid seeing washed over Zuko as he made his way unhappily towards his rooms. Lost as he was in misery he didn't bother trying to stop the memories as they flowed like water through his mind. Feeling the first true smile that had crossed his face in weeks Zuko finally made the decision that had been unconsciously plaguing his mind ever since he returned to the fire nation.

He was going to leave.

He was going to leave the fire nation of his own free will and go in search of Katara. He knew she must hate him for what he had done but he also knew that he had to at least try and earn her forgiveness because without her; his life was pointless, dull and miserable. His heart was a dead weight in his chest, keeping him alive but lifeless and only lightening when he thought of Katara and even then only for a moment before he was re-consumed by the crushing heartache which always followed any thoughts of her.

He was going to leave... and he was doing it tonight.

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